Water Closic Comic: Ants in my Pants

Philippines

We had been driving through the thick bush into the mountains for what seemed like over an hour. A Filipino pastor offered to drive myself and a fellow missionary friend to a church located in a rural area. Like most villages, it didn’t offer the conveniences of a Western restrooms.

I’m sure we’ve all found ourselves in inconvenient locations where the urge to relieve ourselves caused us to do things that we wouldn’t openly admit to our family, much less our friends.

You remember…..…..

the car door hiding your cute tooshy on the side of the road.…..

or the leaves you used on that camping trip.…..

and let’s not even think about how many swimming pools.

I grew up in the South and was not a stranger to finding alternatives in the woods as a kid. There were too many imaginary games and playing to be had, which meant running home to use the toilet was not convenient. So we often “popped a squat” and took care of business.

As time passed and we grew up, not only did we stop playing in the woods, but popping a squat became illegal. You could get thrown in jail for indecent exposure in the USA.

In some parts of Africa, the side of the roads were used for these very things. In the Philippians, you had to be more careful about which leaf you chose.

This particular day as we travelled deep into the tropical forest, I soon learned laws and leafs were the least of my worries.

The bumpy dirt paths we were traveling, accompanied by the exceeding intake of water produced an urge that had to be obeyed. I mentioned to our driver that I needed to use the toilet soon. With concern painted on his face, he said, “There are no toilets out here. We are over an hour away from the nearest one.”

“No worries,” I replied, “just stop here.” His concern turned to shock as he quickly knew what I was implying. “Oh, no, ma’am. I can not let you.”

So, I jumped out of the vehicle and hurriedly ran into the tropical jungle full of tall palm trees, tall grass, and the usual insects. The Philippines has as many interesting insects as they do exotic fruits. I tried to find a place unseen by my friends, but soon the urge was overwhelming and so I squatted in the nearest spot.

As I’m squatting and thanking the Lord that I didn’t pee in my pants, I realized that my left foot is on top of a rotten mango; a rotten mango that has been invaded by angry Filipino black ants. The black ants that are the size of a pencil led.

I have a choice to make…… I can stop midstream and move to a safer location without black ants, or I can hurry up and finish my task and deal with the ants that were now crawling up my legs.

Let’s just say…..this wasn’t one my best decisions in life. After choosing the former, I ran back to the vehicle, jumped in the back seat and off we went. I was thanking Jesus for saving me from the near mistake in the vehicle when I felt a few needle pricks on my legs. Great! I have ants in my pants!

No problem. I rolled up my pant legs and started picking off these ants as my two friends continued their conversation in the front seat.

“Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!….” 1 minute later, more ants biting me, except their location had moved further up my leg.

No Problem…..I rolled up my pant legs and dealt with their persistency. “There….they are all gone and I can relax.”

“What? No Way!” another minute later….I still had ants continuing their journey! Let’s just say that it takes a talented person to remove ants from more than their pants without anyone in the front seat knowing for the next 45 minutes.


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